Thought It Was Better

After having a really good day this week, I thought things were looking up. Maybe there really is a light at the end of the tunnel (I know there is…I just can’t always see it.).

Friday Big Monkey had to work and so my sister came over to hang out with us for the day and night to help out with the kids. We had a couple of special orders for our shop and we decided that we would work on those during the day. We started by finding all the fabric we would need and got everything done in steps. Before too long, the special orders were all done, as well as Little Monkette’s “House Divided” Football onesie. (Football shaped applique, half Florida State and half Florida Gators.) Amy had also cut out the fabric for Little Monkette’s name bean bags and got the letters ironed on. Amy’s college roommate was in town with her little girl at her parents’ house, so we decided to go for a visit. We packed up Little Monkey and Little Monkette and headed out. It was good to get out of the house and Little Monkey had someone else to play with. After visiting with her friends, we made a stop at Sally Beauty Supply to see if we could exchange some hair clips that Amy bought since they were not the kind we really like. Thankfully they had the ones we wanted and did an exchange. Now we can really get into our hair clip making craze since we have 200 hair clips! Check out these cute pumpkin clips Amy made the other day.

Pumpkin Hair Clips!

Saturday started out as a very different day. I suddenly was feeling very anxious and unsure about the day. Amy was leaving for the day but my mother-in-law was already here before she left. I tried to relax and calm down but it wasn’t really working. I was still really anxious. I took a shower and then some of the new medicine that my doctor gave me this week. I was still feeling a bit iffy about the whole day but the medicine did its job and I was feeling better. It is nice to have the medicine if I need it and the day was a bit better after that.

It was very hard that Saturday started out so rough since Friday was so good. I was thinking that things were getting better (which they are) but it seems that this will still be a bit of a process and I certainly will not be better overnight. I understand that it is a process, but I was definitely hopeful after having a good day. I know there will be more days like Friday and probably still more days like Saturday, but hopefully the “Fridays” will start to out number the “Saturdays.”

The Journey Continues-

Wednesday I got up and my Mom and I spent part of the day running some errands that she needed to get to. It was good for us to get out of the house again and try and focus on some other things. My sister was taking care of Little Monkette and my Mom had talked to her about how it was going. She might have gotten more than she bargained for but she was doing well. We decided to have Amy come over to Mom and Dad’s house with Little Monkette so that they could help out with taking care of her and I could see her. I was fine with it at first but the more we talked about it, the more anxious I got about her being there. I still decided to have them come on, knowing that if it wasn’t working out, we could have them go back home.

It was nice to see her and have her be around. I didn’t have to do anything and on Wednesday, I didn’t. I didn’t hold her, feed her, anything. I just wasn’t ready to. I was just glad to see her and know that she was being cared for. My family has done a great job of making me feel as comfortable as possible with the situation while trying to ease me back into things. Wednesday I took some medication to go to sleep again and Amy and my Mom took care of Little Monkette.

Thursday I woke up and got my stuff together. Big Monkey came over from our house and picked me up. Amy was going to stay with Little Monkette. We dropped Roland off at a friends’ house and headed over to Uncle K and Aunt S’s house for a family taco lunch. Little Monkey was there waiting for us. He was excited to see us but also just as happy to watch his movie while we ate lunch. After lunch we headed to our hotel to check in and get ready for rehearsal. We also met up with Big Monkey’s Dad at the hotel. Big Monkey and I headed over to rehearsal and met up with everyone. Little Monkey was there too. He was too cute practicing walking down the aisle. Hopefully he will do as well on Sunday. Many people were asking about Little Monkette since they haven’t met her yet but we did not have her with us. I told them that we might bring her to the wedding on Sunday for a little bit so they can see her and meet her at least. It was a little tough to be at rehearsal with people asking about her because they were all congratulating us on her birth and asking if we were doing well and such. Of course we (me at least) are not doing so well, at least not as well as everyone seems to think that I should be doing. Also, one of the wedding coordinators was there and she had her son just two days before Little Monkette was born. Her son just slept the whole time but of course everyone wanted to check him out. I didn’t go check him out or anything; it was more than I wanted to focus on at the moment. After practice we went out for the rehearsal dinner at Delano’s. It was a nice place and we had a good meal.

After we finished dinner, Big Monkey and I decided to go back to my Mom and Dad’s house for a little bit to see Little Monkette. While we were there I decided that I wanted to hold her, so I took her from Amy and held her for a bit. I even changed and fed her. It did not feel natural or normal still, but I am glad that I did it. I feel like there is a bit of disassociation between her and I. Almost as if she is not my child, even though I am fully aware that she is. I know this is part of my journey with the postpartum depression and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel but right now it is still hard. After we hung out for a bit, Big Monkey and I went to the hotel for the night. It was odd to be there with no kids but it was also nice to be close by but away. This week has been a tough week and we are just taking it day by day.

Having A Hard Time-

This is a hard post for me to write, but I am writing to be able to remember it for later on and maybe it will help someone else. Be forewarned that this blog is quite long and is the story of my current journey with postpartum depression.  (People don’t tend to talk about this enough and I know other people must go through the same thing.)

When I was pregnant with Little Monkey, I had a very hard time during my pregnancy. I ended up being put on an antidepressant when I was five months pregnant. I quit my job and went back to an old job temporarily (until I was placed on bed rest). I have stayed on some version of an antidepressant since that point. I just never really felt ready to come off of my medication yet. During my pregnancy with Little Monkette, the Doctor had suggested that I try to come off the medication because it had a 1 in 1000 chance of the baby having lung issues when they came out. I decided that I was not ready to come off my medication, knowing how things went after Little Monkey got here. We would have to take a chance on the lung issues (and so far all is well). I am glad that I stayed on my medication because the way things are right now, I cannot imagine them without the medication.

After Little Monkette was born, I was feeling pretty good about things. She took well to breastfeeding in the hospital and I wasn’t feeling like I did after Little Monkey was born. Sadly a few days after we got home, the feelings and emotions that I had after Little Monkey was born started coming up with Little Monkette. I felt like I wouldn’t care if someone came and took her away. I had a hard time sleeping (which isn’t even Little Monkette’s fault really either because she tends to sleep pretty well.). I have to make myself eat; often I wasn’t eating and therefore would wake up feeling nauseous or that I would pass out. I was not sure that I could do things on my own if Big Monkey was not home. I was very anxious about each day and just getting through it. I had times that I would just sit and cry.

One week to the day after she was born was probably one of the worst days so far. Big Monkey was home that morning and we spent most of it in bed, all of us. I just cried most of the time. I couldn’t hold Little Monkette without crying and I couldn’t even look at her without breaking down and crying. I felt bad to begin with and then felt bad that I was feeling bad but there was nothing that I could do about it. It was hard to feel bad and even though I understood that I have no control over these feelings it was still hard to try and overcome them. The next day, my mother-in-law came to spend the day with the kids and me since Big Monkey was at work. I talked to her about what was going on (a big step for me) and she agreed that it was not healthy. I talked more with Big Monkey and we decided that I needed to call my Doctor on Monday morning and see what they had to say. I was definitely having more symptoms that were representative of postpartum depression.

Monday morning I called the nurse’s line and left a message letting them know that I was concerned about what I was feeling and that maybe my medication was not working the way that it should. They called me back a little bit later and scheduled me to come in that afternoon to see someone. Unfortunately I ended up seeing the midwife (I don’t care for her already and had I known that my appointment was with her, I might not have gone.). One of my friends had called me earlier in the day and offered to go with me to the appointment. I didn’t want to interrupt her day and make her go but eventually I agreed with her and Big Monkey that it could be best for me to have someone with me at the appointment. I am very thankful that she went with me. It was hard and still is hard. I think because it is hard to ask for help and to be vulnerable, even with the people who love and care about you the most. The midwife is not able to change my medication but she did talk to one of the other Doctor’s who also agreed with her that maybe changing my medication was not the answer. They really wanted me to get a break, get some sleep and see a counselor. It was tough but I did understand their points.

I called Big Monkey on the way home and he was off and running making calls on his cell phone to our family and some friends to work out a break for me. I understood that Big Monkey was working to try and get me some time off from the kids but was upset to learn that he was sending me away for a bit longer than I thought I would be gone. I did understand that it is probably best for me and the family for me to get away and get some full nights of sleep (Sleeping medication was recommended by the Doctor.) but it was still hard. This is a busy week for us because my sister-in-law is getting married on Sunday. We have stuff going on everyday and the kids need to be cared for and everybody in the right place at the right time. I know that getting away is good for me and will help me mentally to work on recovering. I am not much good for my family if  I am no good for myself. I know that my kids are taken care of and am thankful for family and friends who have stepped up to help us out when we need it. It is hard to ask for help because you want to do it all (and society has told us that we are ’supposed’ to be able to).

When I got home from the Doctor, my friend helped to occupy Little Monkey and Little Monkette for a bit while I started packing and talking with Big Monkey. I got all my stuff together and waited for my sister to come. She showed up, as did my mother-in-law and we worked on getting out the door. I went outside to talk to Big Monkey, who had been on and off the phone all afternoon (Thank goodness Sprint added free cell phone to cell phone usage on our phones!). He was talking to his boss and mentor about what was going on and figuring out what to do about work this week. After they were done, Big Monkey and I talked a little more about what the plan was and how it was good for me. I understood it was good for me and that they would be fine but it was still tough to be leaving my family and a nine day old at home. My sister and I then headed out to go to my parent’s house.

Monday night was not too bad. My sister and I talked some in the car about what was going on. We got to my parent’s house and we out to dinner at Friday’s. All of this seemed rather normal but strange at the same time. We got back home and I had my dress for my sister-in-law’s wedding sized. A HUGE thanks to Mrs. O for her work on my dress and for coming over to help out with that. We watched a little bit of television, and then I took some sleeping medication and went to bed. I slept about 11 hours!!! I don’t know the last time that I slept that long.

When I got up on Tuesday morning, I was feeling better. I had some breakfast and took a shower. I was feeling a little sad because I did miss my family and wanted to be with them though. After a bit we decided it would be best to get out of the house and go do something. The only problem was that we weren’t sure what to do! We went out to do some shopping and found a few things. It was good just to be out of the house and occupied to help keep my mind off of the kids. We had smoothies for lunch and flat breads for dinner. We watched some television and I wrote on my blog and worked on writing this too. I had to stop writing just so that I could go to bed at a decent hour. I got to talk to Big Monkey some before bed, which did make me a little sad but I was glad to hear that they were doing okay. He did tell me that while they were doing okay, they did still need me. So I shouldn’t think that they can just do it without me. It was good to hear that they do need and want me but that they are surviving without me right now. Even with taking my medication it took a little bit for me to fall asleep but then I slept again for about 11 hours.

There is still more to write about this process but for now this is it.

How She Got Here, Part 3

WARNING: This blog does contain a small amount of personal medical information that you may not want to know. I wrote it so that I would remember what happened and hopefully it is not too detailed that it will freak/gross anyone out.

A bit later, the nurse came in to check on me since I hadn’t reported feeling any pressure or feeling like I needed to go to the bathroom. She asked me if I had any pressure and I said that I did have some. So she decided to check me to see how far along I was. I was surprised to learn that I was already at 10cm dilated and my water hadn’t broken yet either! The nurse said that she would call the Doctor to have her come to the room to break my water and we’d have a baby!

The Doctor came in and broke my water. She said that we should try and practice pushing during the contractions so that I could remember how to push the right way and get things going. Three contractions later the room was abuzz with nurses and the Doctor was trying to get the bed broken down so we could have the baby. I seriously thought that the baby was going to come before they were ready because it felt like she was already hanging out. Finally on contraction number four, Little Monkette came right out. Since things occurred SO quickly, I ended up with a second degree tear and had to get stitches. Overall the delivery went very well and much quicker than it did with Little Monkey.

Little Monkette was 6lbs, 13oz and 20.25in and born at 6:06am. She had blue eyes, dark brown hair, long fingers and long toes. She was perfect. I got to hold her right away (which I didn’t get to do with Little Monkey because he had a temperature and was whisked off pretty quick to the NICU.). Big Monkey took some pictures and checked her out and of course almost immediately was posting photos on Facebook to let everyone know that she was here. What would we do without Facebook?!!??!??!

About an hour later we got moved to our private room and were able to settle in for the morning. Our families came and visited and Little Monkey got to meet Little Monkette. Little Monkey brought her a cute Monkey that he made at Build a Bear that morning.

Monkette from Build a Bear

How She Got Here, Part 2

We got to the hospital about 6:15pm and signed into triage. Once I had my vitals done, I walked up and down the hall until I was called back to a room. I was determined to not get sent back home. We got called back to a room and they hooked me up to the monitor to see what was going on. Generally the nurse would also check you to see how far you are dilated, but since I told her that my doctor wanted to do that personally, she figured that there was no need to do it twice. Thank you! We waited for the doctor to arrive and continued to watch the monitor. I was having quite the amount of contractions, about four minutes apart and some of them were really good. I couldn’t even hardly feel them though! I felt my stomach get hard and sometimes a little bit of pressure but for the most part I wasn’t feeling them! The doctor came in and was surprised to see how fast the contractions were and the fact that I wasn’t hardly feeling them. She checked me and I was between 5-6cm dilated. Hooray! This meant we’d get to stay and have a baby!

Big Monkey went out to the car to get our stuff since we’d be staying. He barely made it back before I was leaving triage and headed to labor and delivery. We got up to our labor and delivery room around 10pm. They decided to start me on some pitocin because I wasn’t progressing at all, even with all the contractions. After being on the pitocin for a bit, Little Monkette’s heart rate had appeared to drop some. They called the doctor up who turned the pitocin off for a little while. They checked me again a bit later and I was 7cm dilated. They had turned the pitocin back up some (but never very high at all). The nurse told me to let her know if I started feeling a lot of pressure and then she would check me again to see how things were progressing. We spent most of the time resting, watching television and being online. (Thank goodness for free wi-fi in the hospital. I think that is one thing that helped keep us a little bit sane while we were there!)

How She Got Here-

At my doctor’s appointment at 37.5 weeks, the doctor told me that she expected to see the baby within the week. Of course, that did not happen. I was quite frustrated because I was more than ready to get her out! I made it to my 38 week appointment and had only dilated a little bit more. That doctor told me that he thought that I had a 50/50 chance of making it to my 39 week appointment. And wouldn’t you know it…I made it to my 39 week appointment. After trying to stimulate labor with the stripping of my membranes and doing lots of walking, the contractions stopped. And nothing happened on Thursday or Friday.

Friday afternoon my phone rang and it was a call from my doctor’s office. I was surprised that they were calling me because my next appointment wasn’t until Wednesday. On the phone was my doctor herself! She was wondering what was going on and why I hadn’t already delivered! She thought for sure that I would have been in the hospital on Wednesday night having a baby. She told me that she was on call for the weekend and she wanted me to come down to the hospital and get checked out. She said there was no promises of me being able to stay but that if I was at least five centimeters dilated I could stay and we’d have the baby. I was a little leery to pack everybody up and get Little Monkey and Roland to my sister and then us end up being sent back home.

We decided that we would take the chance and I started running around the house getting everyone packed up. Big Monkey was up at a friend’s house in our neighborhood, so I called him and let him know what was going on. He suggested I go on a walk before we headed down to the hospital in hopes that we could get some contractions going. My sister came and got Little Monkey and Roland and I took a walk around our neighborhood. I ended up at the top of the hill where Big Monkey was. He was nice enough to drive me back home. I finished packing and we both were able to take showers and head to the hospital. We stopped for some dinner (we learned this last time…eat before you go!) and then headed for the hospital.

Where Are We?

As you can see, I haven’t posted for a few days. Needless to say that things are a little hectic and different around here. We are just trying to find our new way of life. I have been working on writing the story of what happened during Little Monkette’s birth, but it is hard to find the time to sit and type it all out. I will try and start posting it in sections so that at least you get something and it won’t be too much to read all in one sitting.

We are working on getting things figured out as to how things work with our new family of four. Yesterday we took Little Monkette to the Doctor for her checkup. She looks great and so far is doing very well. We still await the results of her PKU test though. Hopefully we will know before the end of the week.

Little Monkette Has Arrived!

Today is Little Monkette’s birth day! She was born this morning at 6:06am, weighing in at 6lbs, 13oz and measuring 20.25 inches long. She is doing great. The labor was fairly easy considering and when I get a chance, I will write a longer blog about it all (okay well maybe not ALL of it because you might not want all the gory details!).

Big Monkey and his Little Monkette!

Baby Update

39 weeks, 1 day

We went to the doctor yesterday for our weekly checkup since Little Monkette has still decided not to show up. I’m not sure what she is waiting on…but we’ll just be waiting. The doctor was surprised I was still pregnant and said that we need to get me delivered. I was very hopeful that this meant we could go to the hospital and induce or something! No such luck. She said if I was at a 5 or 6 then she would go ahead and send me and we’d work on getting her out. Sadly I was only 4cm dilated. She also said that the baby is still kinda far back. She stripped my membranes and said that she stretched me to about 5cm. She suggested we head to a local lake and spend time walking around the lake and then when the contractions kicked in head over to the hospital. That seemed promising that we might actually go into labor last night.

Since I am writing this, you might realize that that did not happen. The internal and stripping of the membranes was quite painful and I did have some contractions on the ride home. We ran a couple errands and then came home to walk around the block. I think we wore Roland out. He went on all the walks with me but the boys only went on some of them. I would like to see how far we actually walked yesterday. While walking, I was having contractions about ten minutes apart. Whenever I was sitting and resting though they were about 15 minutes apart. I played soccer with Little Monkey, walked around the backyard with Roland, walked up and down the steps of our deck and went on more walks. Eventually though the contractions pretty much quit. I slept pretty well last night too. Today we will walk around some more. I’m glad for the cooler weather because otherwise I don’t think we could make it walking around during the middle of the day!

You Might Be Wondering-

Since there was no post yesterday, and just now a post today…you may have been wondering if we had gone to the hospital. No such luck. Yesterday we had some family and friends over to celebrate Big Monkey’s birthday and today we went to church and to visit Big Monkey at the fire station. We still sit and wait for Little Monkette to decide that she is ready to move out. I was really thinking (maybe more hoping) that last night would be it but it wasn’t. Maybe she would like it to be tonight. No matter what, we wait…we will try and keep you posted but know that if we do go to the hospital to have her, it will likely be a few days before there is any post about her here!