Wednesday I got up and my Mom and I spent part of the day running some errands that she needed to get to. It was good for us to get out of the house again and try and focus on some other things. My sister was taking care of Little Monkette and my Mom had talked to her about how it was going. She might have gotten more than she bargained for but she was doing well. We decided to have Amy come over to Mom and Dad’s house with Little Monkette so that they could help out with taking care of her and I could see her. I was fine with it at first but the more we talked about it, the more anxious I got about her being there. I still decided to have them come on, knowing that if it wasn’t working out, we could have them go back home.
It was nice to see her and have her be around. I didn’t have to do anything and on Wednesday, I didn’t. I didn’t hold her, feed her, anything. I just wasn’t ready to. I was just glad to see her and know that she was being cared for. My family has done a great job of making me feel as comfortable as possible with the situation while trying to ease me back into things. Wednesday I took some medication to go to sleep again and Amy and my Mom took care of Little Monkette.
Thursday I woke up and got my stuff together. Big Monkey came over from our house and picked me up. Amy was going to stay with Little Monkette. We dropped Roland off at a friends’ house and headed over to Uncle K and Aunt S’s house for a family taco lunch. Little Monkey was there waiting for us. He was excited to see us but also just as happy to watch his movie while we ate lunch. After lunch we headed to our hotel to check in and get ready for rehearsal. We also met up with Big Monkey’s Dad at the hotel. Big Monkey and I headed over to rehearsal and met up with everyone. Little Monkey was there too. He was too cute practicing walking down the aisle. Hopefully he will do as well on Sunday. Many people were asking about Little Monkette since they haven’t met her yet but we did not have her with us. I told them that we might bring her to the wedding on Sunday for a little bit so they can see her and meet her at least. It was a little tough to be at rehearsal with people asking about her because they were all congratulating us on her birth and asking if we were doing well and such. Of course we (me at least) are not doing so well, at least not as well as everyone seems to think that I should be doing. Also, one of the wedding coordinators was there and she had her son just two days before Little Monkette was born. Her son just slept the whole time but of course everyone wanted to check him out. I didn’t go check him out or anything; it was more than I wanted to focus on at the moment. After practice we went out for the rehearsal dinner at Delano’s. It was a nice place and we had a good meal.
After we finished dinner, Big Monkey and I decided to go back to my Mom and Dad’s house for a little bit to see Little Monkette. While we were there I decided that I wanted to hold her, so I took her from Amy and held her for a bit. I even changed and fed her. It did not feel natural or normal still, but I am glad that I did it. I feel like there is a bit of disassociation between her and I. Almost as if she is not my child, even though I am fully aware that she is. I know this is part of my journey with the postpartum depression and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel but right now it is still hard. After we hung out for a bit, Big Monkey and I went to the hotel for the night. It was odd to be there with no kids but it was also nice to be close by but away. This week has been a tough week and we are just taking it day by day.